It's a hole in the ground that we throw money into...

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"The bane of my existence today"

Pretty toes make me feel good

Now if we can just get rid of these headaches...

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"Cute toes & sandals...

Waiting for the doctor"

So Frustrated

I haven't been writing lately because I've been sick, and I haven't felt like it.  There I said it.

I've been sitting here today, Sunday, for about two hours now pretending that I'm fine.  I'm not.

I've been sitting here today willing the headache first not to come, then to go away.  It isn't working.

I'm paralyzed to my chair.  I want to do some things around the house.  I can't find the strength.

Everyone I know - all the doctors I have seen... they worry, they try this and that.  Nothing is working.

So now I'm going to take some more medicine and will it to help.  Even though it just takes the edge off. 

Then I'll will it to go away again.

In the meantime, since I'm sitting here... I have been taking some pictures when I can, so I'm going to back post those to brighten this place up a little bit.

Char

Limoncello Martini

So if you read my laundry list of stuff I want to blog about down below, you saw that I made myself a fantastic drink when I got home Friday night.  (That reminds me, I REALLY need to do some laundry.)

I wanted something lemony, and I remembered the homemade Limoncello that my wonderful BIL made for us.  It's been in the fridge, so I pulled it out and mixed it up in a shaker with some Ciroc Vodka (My fave), some Grand Marnier and lots of ice.  It was absolutely delicious!

Go get you some!

I just love me a nummy cocktail!

Char

I'm happy for you, I am. I'm just well... I'm just... I just..well..oh God...

My ex-husband is going to be a father.  He and I are friends now, that "stuff" that happened is mostly water under the bridge.  I'm glad he told me.  I am happy for him.

But holy crap, I'm so sad.  I'm really f'ing ... I just don't know.

Right now I feel super depressed... I spent a lot of time with him.  Ten years of my life.  Ten years of wanting to be a mom. Too bad.

Now, who knows what's in store for me.  I just know I'm not a mom.  Don't know if I ever will be.

It's not looking so good.  My birthday is coming up soon and I'm going to be 39... Not such a good age for a mom.

I can remember my mom telling everyone how amazing it was going to be that by the time she was forty all her kids would be grown and out of the house... and she was right, mostly.  Here I am staring down the barrell of 40, and I've not even got a whiff of a baby. 

All I can hear is my grandmother telling me how I had to have children because if I don't I'd never have anyone to take care of me when I get old.  Every time I think of those words I just want to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out.

Sigh.

I wonder if sleep will ever come tonight...

Charlene

Well this puts a fine point on the end of the year.

I'm at the doctors office and I'm not happy about it either.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Christmas Morning

Here are some pictures of how I spent Christmas Morning:

Mmmmm Coffee

Zane posing for a picture

Zoe posing with a napkin on her head.  Silly Goose!

They opened their stockings, now waiting patiently for breakfast!

Finally we can open our gifts!

The big reveal!  Just what we asked Santa for!

Zoe:  I want to ride it!  Zane:  I want to put my lollypops in the basket!

Ready to go!

Zoom~Zoom~Zoom

I can do this too!

Helping daddy put on the bell

Hangin with mama!

Special thanks to my sister and BIL for letting me share Christmas morning with them again this year since John had to work!

C

Sticks and stones break my bones, and I'm trying not to let you hurt me...

I'm having a hard time putting on my happy face today.  I just can't handle two things in life...

1 - When someone calls you a liar when you are not.  and
2 - When someone says that you were impolite,rude,insensitive,unhelpful,(insert other negative adjective here) when not only were you not, but you bent over backwards and went above and beyond for them 

This is an incredibly hurtful thing to do to me.  Someone always told me when people lash out, they sometimes have other things going on in their lives, and in this case they do, serious things... so I'm trying to be understanding.  But really... you have to attack my character and my integrity. 

That hurts.

 It hurts to the very core.

Char

The macabre terpsichorean like unfolding of a car accident...

The macabre terpsichorean like unfolding of a car accident, you know that moment while it is happening.. at least for me... it's in slow motion... you hear the car skidding, even though you have your foot slammed down on the brake pedal as hard as you can... you feel the anti lock brakes pumping, you look left and right to see if there is any escape...you start to see the hood buckling, you hear the horrible sound of metal crunching and plastic parts popping in an awful melody of screech.bang.crunch.pop.hiss.sputter...you look down at your legs, you look up out the windshield...glance to the left, glance to the right...lie back in the seat and look straight forward at the horror that has been wrought upon you, the horror you have wrought upon yourself.

That was my Friday morning.

Fortunately... or not... I happened to be following my husband in to work to sign health insurance paperwork, so the person that I rear ended was him.  The bumper of his truck has been sliced and permanently tattooed with the imprint of the front of my car.

Not two minutes later....screech.crash.bang.pop.crunch.hiss.sputter... a four car pileup right next to us.  This is a new light in this intersection.  Clearly they don't have the timing right yet...

I called my dealership, the service department people that have taken care of me for many years... they said if it is driveable to drive it in, I would be in good hands... my dear friend, and prime handholder JR was on vacation.  Dave did take good care of me.  ... I called work and spoke to the receptionist... the bosses are out of the office today... I called OnStar and had them connect me to the police department the police department give me crap because i called OnStar and didn't hit the red police/fire/emergency button...I'm not damaged I tell her...I hit my husband... do I have to report it... well that depends on your insurance company, in this instance you only have to report it if your insurance company requires a report... called the insurance company... no report is necessary, take it to the garage. Told them where I wanted to take it... where I already had arrangements to take it.. Oh your garage is on our approved list (thank God!)... We walked down to the other accident scene to talk to policeman handling the other accident, explain the situation... he waves us on our way...

Driving slowly and carefully with a buckled hood...morning rush hour... i can feel everyone is staring... why is she driving that pretty car in such a state... they are probably wondering... hisss....smoke puffs.... hisss..... call dealership, thankfully my new BFF Dave answers... uhm I think I punctured the radiator... smoke is coming out pretty hard now... I'm at X and X - less than five minutes away, do you think I can make it to you, or should I pull over... Pull over, here's the number to the towing company we use.  It'll be okay, don't worry, you're in good hands...

Call the towing company... I'm a mess, I can barely talk, the dispatcher can't hear me... I say about three times where I am... John is outside my window holding my hand...I'm pretty sure I'm still in shock...dispatcher tells me to close up the car, leave a note on the window saying that "X Towing company" is coming to get it and leave the key under the mat... uhm..... i sputter... sputter... ma'am... are you ok???  Well I'm afraid to do that... won't someone steal my car... oh...I look out the front windshield... well I guess they won't get very far will they... that was a dumb question... well I don't know... he says "it'll be ok, people do it all the time.."  He says someone will be here within 45 mins to get the car....I mumble again and hang up... I tell John... he asks if I want coffee.... I say YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!.  He goes and gets coffee... I send an email to family letting them know that we won't be going to have a little getaway I had invited everyone to at the beach this Saturday, because I had an accident instead... I'm ok, but my car isn't... (Thanks to Summer and Daisy for the phone calls btw.  I love you two SO.DAMN.MUCH.)

I call my friend in the insurance business... and ask her off the record how screwed I am...  She confirms that I'm pretty screwed... my deductible is only $100 though... but so is John's.  Great... I ask her what I have to do next... she gives me the 800 number to call and open a claim... Why am I screwed you ask... well they will penalize me for having an accident... on my next renewal... which is in January... of COURSE it is.

I call the ins 800#... the lady is very... professional... she almost seems to be...placating me... John points out that she's being empathetic, and trying to make me feel better... I see that he's right and I loosen up a bit.  Coffee is screaming hot... I open the lid so it cools down... I take a sip of John's with a little something to calm me down.... The phone call with the insurance company takes f.o.r.e.v.e.r!  I will get a rental car allotment of $20 per day.  Great news.

Still waiting for the tow truck... I call him back and let him know that we decided to wait for them to show up... he says it'll probably be around 30 more minutes... ok....

I called one of my bosses who is home*... tell him what happened.. he is extremely sweet and kind and caring, and tells me that I don't have to come in, if I think J can handle it all... I tell him I will let him know what I decide to do.  We decide not to bother the other boss who is on vacation out of town... I'm not dying or bleeding, so we'll tell him on Monday. 

Not really feeling much of anything but sadness and disgust really.  Later my body aches my neck, upper and lower back and ribs... John is off this weekend... drinking and debauchery should be in the plans for the weekend...

Tow truck guy comes... told him, I bet I had a worse day than you today... he says yes today.. but yesterday I had to go to an accident where an old man died.... Well yeah, I guess that trumps my bad day by like a million trillion.... perspective... oh hello there you are....

John packs me into the truck with my coffee and my crap from my car... which oh by the way I had to clean out while we were waiting for the tow truck guy because i'm a slacker and my car was a disgusting mess... but that's another show.

We drive to the dealership and I go over and give my friend Dave a hug and thank him profusely... he directs us over to the body shop... and we sit and wait while the semi-nice lady writes everything up... in the meantime the car comes in... I get another look at her and my gut sinks...  The tow truck driver comes in, and I thank him for taking good care of her.  He was really sweet.  The insurance company will pay him directly.  No charge to me.  Thank goodness. 

I decided to go into work because J and I were planning to go see a movie and I am not bleeding, and I feel obligated to go in... plus if I go home by myself, it will be an incredibly bad idea... wallowing in self pity and disgust and lots of crying and feeling sorry for myself... Work would be better.  I can't believe it, but I went to work...

Day is good at work, but a little busy, we go to the movie... Due Date... lots of Robert Downey Jr, and laughing... just what I needed.

Text message to John later that day... Your truck ate my car... uuurp!... I'm sure it made him laugh.

They tell me that my car will be good as new... after $5207.31 in damages... I can't wait to see her look like this again....

*Ironically the day before I put an emergency contact list on the common drive at work so we could all access it in case someone had an emergency.  I had J get me his number, and she mentioned that she got it from there.  He said that I jinxed myself by doing that yesterday.  Very funny guy he is. :)

If you read all the way to the end.. you deserve a prize.  Email me your address and I'll mail you a piece of my broken car :)

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I've really been struggling with this one, and I don't know if it is because I don't think I have anything to forgive myself for, because I don't want other people to read it (not that anyone I know of reads this anymore, except you Bill!  Thanks for the comment :) ), or if I'm just such a perfectionist that I can't just pick one thing.

About that perfectionism thing... When I came back to the computer today.  I was actually thinking, well I'm going to have to go back and do the last two days and backdate them because I missed them and this is supposed to be 30 continuous days blah blah blah... well that's a problem of mine.  I run into a little hiccup... like having my parents over for dinner monday night and not having time to post day 3, and then yesterday the wireless connection is down at the house, and won't be up again until my ex husband can dig a router out of his garage, so I am sitting in the cluttered office typing this on my laptop that is not plugged in and will probably die in a few minutes, oh and the laptop is on top of no less than three canvas bags of stuff that i need to go through... anyway...

I need to forgive myself for lots of things, but I can't really put them into words exactly.  So let's just say I'll promise to ask a professional for help on that one.  Fortunately I go to see one next week :)

I still don't think I'm done with this yet, and I may come back later, I may not, right now, I'm worried the darn computer is going to shut down on me.

And I am very proud of myself for not AGAIN making this all about something else.  I need to quit that, I said I was going to, and I need to.  So I am.  I am I am I am.

Do you need to forgive yourself for anything?  Are you more articulate than I am?  (Not to difficult a thing.. that..) 

Is anyone playing along?  Is anyone besides Bill out there?

Char

We all have stuff we don't talk about.

“We all have stuff we don’t talk about.” -April from Greys Anatomy. This might be one of the best scenes ever from one of my very favorite shows. So yes, we do all have that stuff. We don’t talk about it to polite company or strangers or family members that “can’t handle it”. Sigh.
I’m so happy I have my husband. I can talk to him about all that stuff. Even the stuff that I didn’t think I could talk to him about, it turns out I can.

Char

Mommy love

The Spohrs are Multiplying - mom-seeking-manual

After reading the above entry in the blog above, I had to comment.  I am really struggling to put words to how I am feeling right now, but I just wanted to share that blog entry with you and also share my comment.  That's all I can say about that now :-(

Dear Heather, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Aunt. I have only recently started reading your blog. You've been through so much. I have to tell you what prompted me to comment was this line "I have the love part down pat. I smother my Annie with so many kisses that sometimes I think, “Self, maybe you should cut down on the kisses and do some laundry. Also, something stinks and it’s probably you.” But then I reply to myself, “no…the laundry can wait. MORE KISSES!”" I SO totally get that. I don't have children of my own yet.. we have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year now. I can totally hear myself saying what you said there. Hopefully Someday. XOXOXO, Charlene

My morning of suck.

Email to my husband this morning, after his text message to me asking how my morning was and my response was "It was a wreck and I'm a colossal idiot and I'll explain why in an email because it will take forever in text".

*****
How do I get through life, I really wonder sometimes.

So I get my lazy tired ass out of bed this morning (I didn't get to sleep last night until around 2:30am - even the one advil PM couldn't get me to sleep) and drag ass to the car, only to remember that I have the truck, and I think that all the bill stuff is in it, but it isn't... it's probably at work. (Where I should probably go, because all the food from lunch is probably still on the counter because I ran out of there like a bat out of hell yesterday - to go have a client sign a form in Palm Bay (Out by mom and dad) - I think I forgot to tell you about that...)

Anyway... so I'm driving to the Learning Lab this morning so I can get in some of the 16 hours of lab that I need. I only have about 3.5 before I came in today and we have 3 weeks of class left, so really only two weeks that I can get lab hours in... My brain hurts to do the math on that one, but suffice to say I'm screwed and I suck.

Even though I'm fairly certain you can't take food or drink into the lab (millions of computers duh). I decide that I have to stop and get coffee and an apple fritter at 7-11 - you know, the one practically across the street from BCC Melbourne.

In my incredible moronic brain fog this morning, I pack up my laptop in one bag, my books in another bag, and my suitcase of a purse - I've got to carry all this shit around with me and I don't know where the learning lab is in the mammoth group of buildings that is BCC Melbourne, and my ribs are still a little ouchy...

Oh yes, and I have a steaming foam cup of coffee... Hey if I move the books and papers to one side of my bag, I'll be able to stick my FOAM coffee cup that is full of steaming hot coffee in the bag with the books and papers, and it will free up my hands to carry all the crap I brought, and it will be fine because you know those tops are awesome on those cups......... yeah, well you see where this is going. Those tops ARE awesome, but they don't do a damn bit of good when you are dragging 90 pounds of crap across the gobi desert that is the parking lot to BCC Melbourne to find the freaking learning lab...

So about halfway there, I realize, yes, the FOAM cup changed its shape and just popped that nice little lid right off and I have hot steaming coffee sloshing around with my books and papers. Hey at least I didn't put it in with the laptop...

So I stop right in the middle of the sidewalk and take everything out of the bag... dripping with coffee... OMG... I'm such an idiot. I'm just standing there looking at it... trying to figure out what the hell to do, since I really need to get in there so I can start the clock on my hours... I put the file folders back in the bag, I stack all the other crap in my arms, and carry the whole thing, and what is left of my coffee (not much) to the lab. The woman running the lab, should be in an ESOL class and not running a learning lab, and I can't understand what she is saying and she is SLOW and I JUST want to login to the computer so I can start the clock running. I finally get logged in and I drag my crap back to a table and sit down. Look around for paper towels... or SOMETHING... to help clean up the mess... I found nothing but tissues... I look for the lady... she's gone.... she comes back and tells me that there are paper towels in the bathroom down the hall. I was JUST waiting for her to tell me that I had to sign out before I could go get paper towels. She didn't...

Anyway... that's been my morning. The thing that got mostly messed up is the bill book... the school stuff was mostly fine. My ASL dictionary has a slight twinge of coffee. Oh and I smell wonderful.

Oh yeah, and there are no drinks allowed in the learning lab. I ignored the sign, and took the cup back to my desk anyway, keeping it respectfully away from any computer. It's now almost 11:30 and I've had 3 sips.

I think I may go home and drink. Like starting at 2pm.

Love you,

Your moronic wife.

(ETA: He read the email and said "I read your email and I still don't think you're a moron", God I love that man.)

When one door closes, another opens

How interesting that is.

Of course, you can never see the forest for the trees when you are in the situation.

Ok. Ok. I'll stop with the cliches.

Even though I knew it was best and I really was relieved at the time, losing my job really sucked. You know, the process of it. Having them call you into the "office". Having them ask for your keys. Realizing that you have to take 8 boxes of crap out of your office and put it where? Giving your fish that lived on your desk to your sister for her desk, so her daughter can say hi when she visits the Castle! Seeing your sister's face as she walks by the "office" - knowing that she knows. Thinking about how great it has been to work with her for 8 years and with some of the others for nearly 13. Having people walk by and say goodbye. Thinking about the fact that you won't get the sweet little annual christmas story card anymore - cause well that girl was laid off too. Waking up the next day and not having to go to work, but feeling like a loser. Trying to navigate the paperwork coming at you. Worrying about the amount of money in the bank.

(Image by Daquella Manera via flickr)

I felt down and out. It was a terrible blow to my self esteem.

Lo.... I'm here to tell you, things can turn around for the better sometimes faster than you think.

One person's kindness, that leads to another's kindness, that leads to giving you the opportunity to put yourself out there again.

The taste of knowing that you still have it - nothing sweeter.

C

(Nevermind in less than 30 days. Mwah!)