Reasons why its gonna be ok

9-11-11

1.  Think of the money we will save
2. Not having to worry about something happening
3. to be continued

I'm a New Great Aunt

Say Hello to Grace Elena Noel.  She was born around noon today. Isn't she a cutie pie???  I can't wait to meet her!!

I'm happy for you, I am. I'm just well... I'm just... I just..well..oh God...

My ex-husband is going to be a father.  He and I are friends now, that "stuff" that happened is mostly water under the bridge.  I'm glad he told me.  I am happy for him.

But holy crap, I'm so sad.  I'm really f'ing ... I just don't know.

Right now I feel super depressed... I spent a lot of time with him.  Ten years of my life.  Ten years of wanting to be a mom. Too bad.

Now, who knows what's in store for me.  I just know I'm not a mom.  Don't know if I ever will be.

It's not looking so good.  My birthday is coming up soon and I'm going to be 39... Not such a good age for a mom.

I can remember my mom telling everyone how amazing it was going to be that by the time she was forty all her kids would be grown and out of the house... and she was right, mostly.  Here I am staring down the barrell of 40, and I've not even got a whiff of a baby. 

All I can hear is my grandmother telling me how I had to have children because if I don't I'd never have anyone to take care of me when I get old.  Every time I think of those words I just want to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out.

Sigh.

I wonder if sleep will ever come tonight...

Charlene

Christmas Morning

Here are some pictures of how I spent Christmas Morning:

Mmmmm Coffee

Zane posing for a picture

Zoe posing with a napkin on her head.  Silly Goose!

They opened their stockings, now waiting patiently for breakfast!

Finally we can open our gifts!

The big reveal!  Just what we asked Santa for!

Zoe:  I want to ride it!  Zane:  I want to put my lollypops in the basket!

Ready to go!

Zoom~Zoom~Zoom

I can do this too!

Helping daddy put on the bell

Hangin with mama!

Special thanks to my sister and BIL for letting me share Christmas morning with them again this year since John had to work!

C

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life.

Well geez.  I guess most people who know me can figure this one out.

I want to be a mom.

Unfortunately, God doesn't seem to think I'm ready for that yet.

I've never been sure if I'm ready for it, I just know instinctively that I want it.  I want to be a mom so much it hurts.

It hurts so much I find myself being selfish and jealous of things that are absolutely ridiculous...

I guess I need to work on #4 up there a little more and add forgiving myself for not being able to reproduce to that list...

C

Mommy love

The Spohrs are Multiplying - mom-seeking-manual

After reading the above entry in the blog above, I had to comment.  I am really struggling to put words to how I am feeling right now, but I just wanted to share that blog entry with you and also share my comment.  That's all I can say about that now :-(

Dear Heather, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Aunt. I have only recently started reading your blog. You've been through so much. I have to tell you what prompted me to comment was this line "I have the love part down pat. I smother my Annie with so many kisses that sometimes I think, “Self, maybe you should cut down on the kisses and do some laundry. Also, something stinks and it’s probably you.” But then I reply to myself, “no…the laundry can wait. MORE KISSES!”" I SO totally get that. I don't have children of my own yet.. we have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year now. I can totally hear myself saying what you said there. Hopefully Someday. XOXOXO, Charlene

It's too late to be up like this....

I'm feeling very passive aggressive this. . . uh. . . morning... I really suck at it. So I'm gonna shut up now.


Also not feeling well (to put it mildly), and cranky (very).  The cramps are extremely severe today.  They haven't been this bad in quite a while.  (Yeah, so that means that my plan didn't work this month either.  We won't even GO there.)

I guess I'm going to have to break down and take the advil PM so I can get to bed before the sun comes up.

Sure hope the other crap I'm taking doesn't mind.

Sigh.

C