Have I mentioned that I love bacon?

Because the delicious skin on this turkey just isn't enough.  I'd like to gild the lily.




Char

My favorite quote

A few days ago I said that my favorite quote was "An optimist is someone who goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and takes the tartar sauce with him" by Zig Ziglar.

Ever since I heard this quote I have loved it.  I love whales, I love the sea, I love tartar sauce, I love the idea that one day I could be an optimist.

I don't know what it is, but I have never considered myself an optimist, though I do strive to be one.  Kind of like I've never been a morning person, but I strive to be one.

Char

Well this puts a fine point on the end of the year.

I'm at the doctors office and I'm not happy about it either.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life.

Well geez.  I guess most people who know me can figure this one out.

I want to be a mom.

Unfortunately, God doesn't seem to think I'm ready for that yet.

I've never been sure if I'm ready for it, I just know instinctively that I want it.  I want to be a mom so much it hurts.

It hurts so much I find myself being selfish and jealous of things that are absolutely ridiculous...

I guess I need to work on #4 up there a little more and add forgiving myself for not being able to reproduce to that list...

C

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.

I won't lie.  This has been a hard one for me. 

At first thought, this was easy for me.  I forgave my ex-husband and his now fiancee a long time ago for the hell they brought down on me.  I'm actually thankful that it ended, though it could have ended better, we're friendly now, and I am happy about that.

What hit me, after that realization, is that there are some things I haven't forgiven yet.  Things that I don't talk about, or think about, because it hurts too much, and I go into a downwards spiral and can't get it out of my head.  Some things that can never really be properly forgiven because the perpetrators are dead. 

As I'm finally typing this, I realize that the Truth about Day Four is to acknowledge that you have to forgive someone for something.  You don't actually have to do it.  So that's what I'm doing now.  I acknowledge that I should be able to forgive.

I thought I was to a point where I could, but I can't.  Maybe I will someday.

Here we go again.

Char

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I've really been struggling with this one, and I don't know if it is because I don't think I have anything to forgive myself for, because I don't want other people to read it (not that anyone I know of reads this anymore, except you Bill!  Thanks for the comment :) ), or if I'm just such a perfectionist that I can't just pick one thing.

About that perfectionism thing... When I came back to the computer today.  I was actually thinking, well I'm going to have to go back and do the last two days and backdate them because I missed them and this is supposed to be 30 continuous days blah blah blah... well that's a problem of mine.  I run into a little hiccup... like having my parents over for dinner monday night and not having time to post day 3, and then yesterday the wireless connection is down at the house, and won't be up again until my ex husband can dig a router out of his garage, so I am sitting in the cluttered office typing this on my laptop that is not plugged in and will probably die in a few minutes, oh and the laptop is on top of no less than three canvas bags of stuff that i need to go through... anyway...

I need to forgive myself for lots of things, but I can't really put them into words exactly.  So let's just say I'll promise to ask a professional for help on that one.  Fortunately I go to see one next week :)

I still don't think I'm done with this yet, and I may come back later, I may not, right now, I'm worried the darn computer is going to shut down on me.

And I am very proud of myself for not AGAIN making this all about something else.  I need to quit that, I said I was going to, and I need to.  So I am.  I am I am I am.

Do you need to forgive yourself for anything?  Are you more articulate than I am?  (Not to difficult a thing.. that..) 

Is anyone playing along?  Is anyone besides Bill out there?

Char

We all have stuff we don't talk about.

“We all have stuff we don’t talk about.” -April from Greys Anatomy. This might be one of the best scenes ever from one of my very favorite shows. So yes, we do all have that stuff. We don’t talk about it to polite company or strangers or family members that “can’t handle it”. Sigh.
I’m so happy I have my husband. I can talk to him about all that stuff. Even the stuff that I didn’t think I could talk to him about, it turns out I can.

Char

Reason number 673,475 why I love my husband

Via Text message:

Me:   Ugh, J is talking to me about Christmas.  I may have to strangle her.

Me:   Feeling very anxious today :(

Him:  Please settle down.  It's ok to want to strangle people talking about Christmas already.

Me:   I'm now laughing hysterically.  Thanks.

Him:  Ok.  Good.


C

Mommy love

The Spohrs are Multiplying - mom-seeking-manual

After reading the above entry in the blog above, I had to comment.  I am really struggling to put words to how I am feeling right now, but I just wanted to share that blog entry with you and also share my comment.  That's all I can say about that now :-(

Dear Heather, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Aunt. I have only recently started reading your blog. You've been through so much. I have to tell you what prompted me to comment was this line "I have the love part down pat. I smother my Annie with so many kisses that sometimes I think, “Self, maybe you should cut down on the kisses and do some laundry. Also, something stinks and it’s probably you.” But then I reply to myself, “no…the laundry can wait. MORE KISSES!”" I SO totally get that. I don't have children of my own yet.. we have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year now. I can totally hear myself saying what you said there. Hopefully Someday. XOXOXO, Charlene

It's too late to be up like this....

I'm feeling very passive aggressive this. . . uh. . . morning... I really suck at it. So I'm gonna shut up now.


Also not feeling well (to put it mildly), and cranky (very).  The cramps are extremely severe today.  They haven't been this bad in quite a while.  (Yeah, so that means that my plan didn't work this month either.  We won't even GO there.)

I guess I'm going to have to break down and take the advil PM so I can get to bed before the sun comes up.

Sure hope the other crap I'm taking doesn't mind.

Sigh.

C

Lap Band Update

Someone asked me today some things about my lap band and how it is going.  She's thinking about getting one herself.  I haven't posted an update here in a while, so I thought this would be a good topic and I'm sure some people are interested but for whatever reason, don't really want to ask me.  So here is some info, and if anyone has other questions, please let me know.  It has been a great experience for me, and I am happy to answer any questions.

A curious friend wrote:



How much weight did you lose and how long to lose it?

I have lost up to 90 pounds, I've kept about 75 of it off. I've had the band since May 2007. I need to go and get another adjustment, I've just been putting it off.

 Why no liquids with meals?

Liquids with meals allow more food to go through and you don't feel as full. This has been the most difficult thing for me, and part of the reason I haven't lost more weight.


Did you PB ( vomit) often?

I still do PB. Nearly every day. It is my own fault though. If I eat something too fast, or if it isn't moist enough, it gets stuck and comes back up. It isn't the same as vomiting like you know it now though. It's very different.

Any foods you can't eat?

I used to have a lot of trouble with bread and rice. I can eat them both now, as long as the bread is well buttered or mayo'd, and the rice has some kind of sauce or gravy on it. Dry meat is out... boneless skinless chicken breasts are difficult, unless eaten with a sauce. I also find that It is VERY difficult for me to eat first thing in the morning if I don't have a warm drink first. Texture is very important. Like with bread, the crunchy veggies are almost always needed to get the bread down too.

Do you drink wine or alcohol?

I definitely drink my share of wine and alcohol with no problem! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you think of anything else, ask away.  I'm an open book!

You might also want to check out my blog.  There aren't a ton of posts about the lap band, but you can find some.  www.lifedramatic.blogspot.com.

I'm very excited for you.  Even with the little bits of trouble I have, I would definitely do it all over again!  It is totally worth it!

Char

My morning of suck.

Email to my husband this morning, after his text message to me asking how my morning was and my response was "It was a wreck and I'm a colossal idiot and I'll explain why in an email because it will take forever in text".

*****
How do I get through life, I really wonder sometimes.

So I get my lazy tired ass out of bed this morning (I didn't get to sleep last night until around 2:30am - even the one advil PM couldn't get me to sleep) and drag ass to the car, only to remember that I have the truck, and I think that all the bill stuff is in it, but it isn't... it's probably at work. (Where I should probably go, because all the food from lunch is probably still on the counter because I ran out of there like a bat out of hell yesterday - to go have a client sign a form in Palm Bay (Out by mom and dad) - I think I forgot to tell you about that...)

Anyway... so I'm driving to the Learning Lab this morning so I can get in some of the 16 hours of lab that I need. I only have about 3.5 before I came in today and we have 3 weeks of class left, so really only two weeks that I can get lab hours in... My brain hurts to do the math on that one, but suffice to say I'm screwed and I suck.

Even though I'm fairly certain you can't take food or drink into the lab (millions of computers duh). I decide that I have to stop and get coffee and an apple fritter at 7-11 - you know, the one practically across the street from BCC Melbourne.

In my incredible moronic brain fog this morning, I pack up my laptop in one bag, my books in another bag, and my suitcase of a purse - I've got to carry all this shit around with me and I don't know where the learning lab is in the mammoth group of buildings that is BCC Melbourne, and my ribs are still a little ouchy...

Oh yes, and I have a steaming foam cup of coffee... Hey if I move the books and papers to one side of my bag, I'll be able to stick my FOAM coffee cup that is full of steaming hot coffee in the bag with the books and papers, and it will free up my hands to carry all the crap I brought, and it will be fine because you know those tops are awesome on those cups......... yeah, well you see where this is going. Those tops ARE awesome, but they don't do a damn bit of good when you are dragging 90 pounds of crap across the gobi desert that is the parking lot to BCC Melbourne to find the freaking learning lab...

So about halfway there, I realize, yes, the FOAM cup changed its shape and just popped that nice little lid right off and I have hot steaming coffee sloshing around with my books and papers. Hey at least I didn't put it in with the laptop...

So I stop right in the middle of the sidewalk and take everything out of the bag... dripping with coffee... OMG... I'm such an idiot. I'm just standing there looking at it... trying to figure out what the hell to do, since I really need to get in there so I can start the clock on my hours... I put the file folders back in the bag, I stack all the other crap in my arms, and carry the whole thing, and what is left of my coffee (not much) to the lab. The woman running the lab, should be in an ESOL class and not running a learning lab, and I can't understand what she is saying and she is SLOW and I JUST want to login to the computer so I can start the clock running. I finally get logged in and I drag my crap back to a table and sit down. Look around for paper towels... or SOMETHING... to help clean up the mess... I found nothing but tissues... I look for the lady... she's gone.... she comes back and tells me that there are paper towels in the bathroom down the hall. I was JUST waiting for her to tell me that I had to sign out before I could go get paper towels. She didn't...

Anyway... that's been my morning. The thing that got mostly messed up is the bill book... the school stuff was mostly fine. My ASL dictionary has a slight twinge of coffee. Oh and I smell wonderful.

Oh yeah, and there are no drinks allowed in the learning lab. I ignored the sign, and took the cup back to my desk anyway, keeping it respectfully away from any computer. It's now almost 11:30 and I've had 3 sips.

I think I may go home and drink. Like starting at 2pm.

Love you,

Your moronic wife.

(ETA: He read the email and said "I read your email and I still don't think you're a moron", God I love that man.)

Things that make you say hmmmmmm.

I called my ex-husband today to reminisce a little since together we built the house I live in now - nearly 9 years ago. I had to have the septic tank pumped for the first time, so I called to tell him. It was kind of funny, because when we saw them putting it in all those years ago, we had no idea how long it would take to fill it up... Of course over this past weekend when I had almost 60 people here for Easter, we put it to the limit.

My ex and I still talk and are on very good terms. I guess I just have a different mindset than some people do when it comes to forgiving. I never thought i'd forgive him for what he did to me. I really never thought i would get here, but I am glad I did. Even though he did crappy things, he's a good person, and I'm fortunate to have him as a friend.

Charlene <----wistful today

Hoarding

Open letter to the creators and producers of the Hoarding: Buried Alive shows on TLC.

Thank you very much.

I am not a hoarder of the caliber that you have on your show, but I am a baby hoarder. I have papers from long ago, that I'm sure I don't need anymore. I have lots of stuff. I can't pass up a bargain.

While you can walk in my house, and I only have a garage full of stuff so bad that you can't easily navigate through it, I do realize through your show that it could be WHOLE lot worse.

I watch this show in awe. I feel the pain of these poor people that have stuff piled to the ceilings. I feel for them. I am so happy that through your show, they are able to get some help.

I also know that every time I watch, it gives me a little extra boost to get rid of some pile of stuff that is calling out to me.

So I say again. Thank you very much.

That is all.

Sincerely,

Charlene

Calmness

My mind is calmer today. It has been a whirlwind two weeks, and I have had so many highs and lows. Right now, as I sit here with my sick kitty lying across my chest with her head on my shoulder purring like a banshee, I am calm. I poured a little vodka, peach schnapps, blood orange soda cocktail, and I've decided to sit down and write for a few minutes. Between that and talking, it's the only way it seems I can get things out of my system. Due to my stupid F'ing insurance, the therapist hasn't really been an option until recently. John has been working, and we have had family obligations that have kept us apart for much more than I care to admit.

Thankfully this weekend, we are off together and we have no plans. Well we have one plan, but it isn't anything that will keep us apart or drive us crazy. At this point, I don't have much more energy than to list the things (with a small notation) that are keeping me from sleeping without medication every night.

Squeak is sick - She has been sick for more than six months now, and I don't think she is getting any better. At this point we have her stabilized, but that could change with a single missed dose of a pill.

Shauna's death - She died last March, on the 16th. I still think of her often, and my heart breaks knowing that my Squeak is sick now too.

My father and my brother - This is the straw that is breaking my back. This last episode has put me out of commission for most of this week. I simply can not deal with it. I love them both. I see both of their sides. I will not take sides, because I love them both, and I do not want this to happen. Of course, I have no control, and it seems like no one has control, and this bus is veering down the road like something out of the movie "Speed".

Having a baby - NO we aren't having a baby yet, and **** if I can't stand hearing that ******* question one more time. We are working on it, and at times it seems freaking hopeless.

The garbage disposal is leaking water. I caught it before it ruined the cabinets, but I haven't had the time or energy to figure out what to do next, so my stockpot is catching the water and I'm pretending like it's not broken.

What is good you ask?

My husband is so wonderful I can hardly believe he is mine.

My job is awesome, and my bosses are very special,and I am so happy to be working with them.

My friend - I have a new friend that I work with, and while she isn't my sister, and I miss working with Daisy dearly, I truly treasure my new friend.

School - After nine million years of being out of school, I have taken a baby step and gone back, and I LOVE it!

Cats - Squeak and Catria shower us with love every single day, and I love them so much.

Charlene

Memories of food

My Paternal Great-Grandmother (Grandma Wood) would always bring boxes and boxes of Entenmann’s baked goods tied with string from the outlet store where she would stop on her way to our house. My favorite was the chocolate covered doughnuts. I loved them straight from the freezer, which is where she stored them when we went to her house.

Grandma always had a big glass cookie jar* on her countertop with her homemade sugar cookies in there. I can’t remember ever going to her house without those cookies being there. They were the best after a long day swimming in the pool! She must have made thousands of those cookies!

My paternal grandmother (Nana) would always burn her cookies when she would bake them, she always made chocolate chip cookies, and she always burned them. She wouldn’t throw them out either, she said they were perfectly good. I remember taking a butter knife to the bottom of them. They still tasted burnt. Her cookies are probably the reason I still don't like chocolate chip cookies much to this day. Nana made the best eggplant parmesan ever though.

My maternal grandfather (Grampy) would always take us to McDonalds for Chicken Nuggets when they came to town to visit.

When we went to Grampy and Grammie’s house, we would always be sure to time the trek so we would be in time for breakfast! Grampy made the best fried eggs! Along with Bacon, sausage patties, home fries and baked beans. The homemade toasted bread was the icing on the breakfast. Grammie always had a Tupperware container in the fridge filled with all different jars of jams and jellies.

One little weird thing about me is that I have always loved my eggs over medium, but I don’t like to eat the white that is immediately around the yolk. I would cut the edges of the white off and eat those, and then I would open the top of the egg and dip the yolk with my toast, and I would leave the middle on my plate. Grampy always used to eat it up for me so Grammie wouldn’t yell at me for leaving it. Nowadays, my tummy doesn’t like me to eat the egg whites at all. Fortunately, my husband will eat them sometimes. It’s funny because if he doesn’t I feel like I am being wasteful. I think it’s so sweet that he eats them like Grampy used to 

My dad used to go diving a lot when we were young. Pretty much every weekend during the late spring and all summer we had the fruits of his labor. They would come home with enough fish to cover the front lawn. My mom would fry it up with just simple seasoned flour and Crisco. That fish was to die for. It was so good, I would sometimes wake up in the night and eat it cold from the zip bag. Then there was the conch that she made into fritters, or that dad made into conch salad. Plenty of hushpuppies. Fresh corn on the cobb. Florida lobster – they would bring dozens of them home during the season. One year we spent a week in the keys on a houseboat and we actually got sick of lobster. I never thought that would ever be possible. I’d like to do that again!

I loved going to Aunt JoJo’s house with her luxurious air conditioning and she would make honey mustard chicken, or our very favorite Chicken Cordon Bleu. I even ate calves liver coated in oatmeal at her house once that was very tasty.


Charlene

*When Grandma passed away, all of us girls got one of the cookie jars in the set. I also inherited her dining room set, where our family ate meals at her table for more than 40 years.