Thursday, January 13, 2011

I'm happy for you, I am. I'm just well... I'm just... I just..well..oh God...

My ex-husband is going to be a father.  He and I are friends now, that "stuff" that happened is mostly water under the bridge.  I'm glad he told me.  I am happy for him.

But holy crap, I'm so sad.  I'm really f'ing ... I just don't know.

Right now I feel super depressed... I spent a lot of time with him.  Ten years of my life.  Ten years of wanting to be a mom. Too bad.

Now, who knows what's in store for me.  I just know I'm not a mom.  Don't know if I ever will be.

It's not looking so good.  My birthday is coming up soon and I'm going to be 39... Not such a good age for a mom.

I can remember my mom telling everyone how amazing it was going to be that by the time she was forty all her kids would be grown and out of the house... and she was right, mostly.  Here I am staring down the barrell of 40, and I've not even got a whiff of a baby. 

All I can hear is my grandmother telling me how I had to have children because if I don't I'd never have anyone to take care of me when I get old.  Every time I think of those words I just want to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out.


I wonder if sleep will ever come tonight...



followthatdog said...

I'm so sorry. And you don't actually HAVE to be happy for him.

Green said...

What's to say that your kids will be in a position to take care of you when you're old at all? Maybe they'll move to Paris or whatever. Perhaps you could adopt, I don't know.

But as FTD said, you can totally say all the right things but don't actually need to FEEL happy for him.